Mockingjay
by YourLightWillShine
Summary: The 3rd book in the Hunger Games as I would write it. Peeta is gone. Katniss is pregnant. The rebellion has started. Katniss is on a mission to save Peeta, help District 13, and bring her unborn child into a world without the Capitol.
1. Hope

I am pregnant. Well, I'm not pregnant. But I am. I don't know if this makes sense. Peeta has always been so good with words, so witty and charming. I can barely make sense of my own thoughts, much less put it down on paper, but if I know that if I don't do it, no one else will. This is Katniss Everdeen, winner of the 74th Hunger Games, tribute of the 75th Hunger Games (3rd Quarter Quell), and citizen of the non-existent District 12. And you are reading the story of the rebellion.

Peeta Mellark is gone. His sweet blue eyes, wonderful strong hands, his smooth words, his warm embrace. He's gone. That's all I can ever think about. Well, that and the baby. People have always known us, the tributes of District 12, as the star-crossed lovers. I never exactly used the term myself because I had never considered Peeta as my lover, or I his. But, fate is cruel in that I had never realized my feelings for Peeta until I realized how life without him could truly be.

"Katniss." Finnick, the tribute from District 4, places a calming hand on my shoulder. I can hear the pity in his voice, the worry. And in that one moment, I want to kill him. I want to take the syringe that Haymitch forced me to drop, and murder Finnick Odair. I want him to pay for losing Peeta. I want him to feel my pain. I don't want his sympathy. I don't care how weak Finnick is from saving my life; I want him dead.

"Catnip," Gale says softly. I know what he's doing. He's trying to calm me down. He sees the venom in my eyes. Gale, sweet Gale, the only person left who knows me better than I know myself, but in this moment, I want to push him away. "Peeta's safe now."

I ignore him, standing up weakly. My whole body is skinny from the effects of the Quarter Quell. I still haven't regained the weight that I lost during that life-altering punishment. I can see Finnick, Haymitch, Heavensbee, and Gale exchange a worried look. My legs can barely hold my body up. I know that they are all wondering whether they should help me. My knees are wobbling, and I'm exhausted. I lost a lot of blood when Johanna removed the tracker from my arm, and the medical care in District 13 isn't as good as in the Capitol. Finally, Gale picks me up and carries me to my room, the rest of the men following.

As he places me in the warm bed, I start to cry, and I hate myself for showing weakness. Gale does his best to comfort me, but there's nothing he can do. My district is now nonexistent. My "husband" is dead. My life is spinning out of control.

"Katniss." Haymitch begins. But it's no use; I've already blocked out his little speech. Haymitch betrayed me, and I can't even look at him without thinking of how he saved me and lost Peeta.

Heavensbee closes by offering his condolences and shuffles out of the room. I only continue to cry and try to pretend that I can't hear him. I don't want condolences; I want Peeta. Soon enough, I'm left alone, so I close my eyes and try to sleep. I can tell by the bags under my eyes that I could use it. I don't dream anymore. Ever since the Capitol announced the death of Peeta soon after his capture, I can't dream. I can't be happy. I can't be scared. I can't feel anything but pain and hurt.

When I wake up, I feel somewhat stronger, but I soon remember that Peeta isn't next to me. Peeta is gone. My heart sinks, and I can't remember how to breathe, how to live without him. Dr. Wilkinson, the best doctor in all of District 13, walks in. She doesn't say anything about how tired I look. She doesn't mention the tears on my cheeks. She doesn't even acknowledge Peeta's absence. She only pets my hair soothingly, as my mother would, and lets me continue to cry.

I finally stop, and she gives me a sad smile. Dr. Wilkinson is one of my favorite people in all of District 13. She's like Cinna in that she doesn't get too emotional, but she does give affection and her love shows through her medical abilities. It's no wonder why she's the best.

"Katniss, why don't you take some of this medicine, and we can talk about what you missed." She says slowly, passing me a small pill along with a cup of water. I quickly swallow the pill and pass her the empty cup. I had almost forgot my instructions. She promised to fill in for all of the meetings I would miss and report back to me after. I was now a key leader of the rebellion.

She takes my hands in hers and looks at me with motherly love. "Katniss, while you slept, I've been thinking about whether or not to tell you this, whether to give you hope. Haymitch, of course, ordered me not to. They think that you will be let down again by reality, but there is a small chance that what they say is true, and I believe that you have a right to know." I nod, waiting for her to proceed. "There is a small chance, Katniss, that Peeta Mellark is alive. We believe that the Capitol would have been very public about his execution, but we didn't even hear of it until after the fact. Peeta is useful bait for you, Katniss, and we can't believe that the Capitol didn't use him against us. We think that there is a small chance that President Snow kept Peeta alive and spread news of his death so that we would lose hope."

I gasp, trying my best to take it all in, that Peeta might still be alive. For the first time in the weeks I have spent since my arrival in District 13, I feel hope. The small chance that Peeta might still be somewhere in the Capitol waiting for us to rescue him.

"We have to save him." I say somewhat slowly, trying to devise a plan in my head. "Dr. Wilkinson, please notify Haymitch, Gale, Heavensbee, Finnick, and Mavrick that we will be meeting in my room in an hour. Also, tell Beetee if he's up to it."

Dr. Wilkinson smiled and nodded; glad to finally see me feeling hopeful again. "I will, but first, we need to talk about the baby."

The baby. Right. In the previous entries, I never mentioned the baby as much as I should have. I never mentioned its conception either. I should have. I should have been honest. If you can't be honest to a journal, then what can you be truthful to?

So here's the honest truth. Peeta and I had sex.

At the time, it wasn't because we were so in love. It wasn't because we didn't want to die without having done it. It was for survival only. It was on the roof that day, the day before the interviews, the day of sunsets and games and sketching. It was possibly one of the best days of my life.

_"I wish I could freeze this moment, right here, right now, and live in it forever," he says._

_ Usually this soft of comment, the kind that hints of his undying love for me, makes me feel guilty and awful. But I feel so warm and relaxed and beyond worrying about a future I'll never have, I just let the word slip out. "Okay."_

_ I can hear the smile in his voice. "Then you'll allow it?"_

_ "I'll allow it." I say. _

_ Peeta lights up like the sun; he is so happy. But, then his smile dims, and he turns to me, pain in his eyes._

_ "Katniss, we have to light the fuse." He says, knowing that in reality, President Snow would never allow us to live in this moment for more than tonight. He would torture us and kill us._

_ I turn to him, puzzled. Sensing his urgency, we both sit up and look each other right in the eye. "What fuse?" I ask._

_ "There already cries of cruelty and anger coming from all over Panem." He explains. "But something has to set the people in motion. We have to do something." Peeta takes my hand, and in his eyes, I can see that he is about to plead. "Katniss, I need you to get pregnant."_

_ I almost feel outraged at his suggestion, but I can tell that his words come out of necessity, not out of lust and out of selfishness. "Peeta, I don't understand." I state simply._

_ "Putting a pregnant woman in the arena is horrific. The people won't know what to think. I think that you could light the fuse. I __**need**__ you to light the fuse. Katniss, I am going to work harder than anything to keep you alive in that arena, but I don't want to have to. I want to be in the middle of rebellion, in the middle of hope."_

_ I am stunned by Peeta's short speech, by the effectiveness of his words of his passion. I can't imagine having a family, submitting a child to the pain of the Hunger Games, having to watch my baby go through the reapings. I recoil at the simple thought of reproduction, but then I imagine what it would be like to have a family in a world without Hunger Games. I imagine the effect we could have on the world. And even though having a child is my greatest fear, I look Peeta straight in the eye and then answer with my lips, with my body, with my heart._

I never took a short nap, like it says in my previous entry. I had sex and lied in Peeta's arms for the remainder of the time, until he pulled me up to see the sunset. It was beautiful night, a night that resulted in my pregnancy. Though I wasn't as pregnant then as Peeta later claimed on National TV with Caesar that night (the claim he made without my prior knowledge), seeing as we wouldn't have known until at least after the first month, which is why I had to fake it during the Hunger Games. But now it is certain that I am pregnant.

"Katniss," Dr. Wilkinson said, placing a gentle hand on my shoulder. "I need you to eat more. You're not gaining the weight you should be. Your baby needs to be healthy. You need to be healthy." Her eyes plead with me. And I nod, giving into her appeal. I had refused to eat much in my first weeks in District 13. I was too angry, too hurt, and too hopeless. I had lost the will to live without Peeta. But now things were different. Peeta has a chance.

After a restless hour, Dr. Wilkinson (her first name is Kendra), Haymitch, Heavensbee, Gale, Finnick, and Beetee file into my room. Beetee has recovered immensely sense our arrival here. He's almost stronger than he was before the Games.

"Haymitch, I don't appreciate your choice in saving me. I don't appreciate your betrayal, and I certainly don't appreciate your willingness in keeping the truth from me, but we need to work together to save Peeta." I begin. Haymitch nods without any surprise while the others look baffled at my knowledge of the possibly faked death of Peeta. "We need to send in a small, effective team to the Capitol, a maximum of five people, that will be able to save Peeta, Johanna, and Enobaria. I propose that we send myself, Finnick, Beetee if he recovers quickly, Kendra, and a choice of Mavrick."

My suggestion causes conflict. None of them want me to join. I'm too emotional, too vulnerable because of my pregnancy. I'm too important. Finnick they don't mind sending except that he is one of the best fighters here and if they lose him, they lose a lot of strength. Heavensbee agrees with my plan. Beetee only nods in consent. Mavrick, the mayor of District 13, doesn't even want to send help to the others. He thinks it's too risky at this time. Only Haymitch doesn't offer any wisdom.

"What do you think, Haymitch?" Finnick says, clearly on my side. He wants a fight.

Haymitch clears his throat and frowns. "If we're sending a team, they need to leave tomorrow. The longer Peeta and the others are in the Capitol, the sooner they're dead if they aren't already. I don't want to send Katniss. She's our mockingjay. I wouldn't even want to send a team except I know Katniss is lost if we don't rescue them soon. We'll send Finnick, Kendra, Beetee, a choice of Mavrick, and myself."

Everyone murmurs in agreement. Haymitch, though lacking in athletic ability, has the brains to get us out of there safely. Only I am angry. I want to go, but they refuse. I have the baby to worry about.

But what they don't know, is that baby or not, I will be on the hovercraft tomorrow. And I will be in Peeta's arms by the end of the week, or someone is going to pay.


	2. Selflessness

The first thing I do in the morning is throw up, and even though most women hate morning sickness, I welcome it. It means that my baby is healthy, that my pregnancy is normal. After being in the Hunger Games during the first week of my pregnancy, it is a relief to know that the whole ordeal didn't hurt the baby. Though I am not yet showing, I place a gentle hand on my stomach. I've always feared pregnancy, feared bringing a child into a horrible world. Nonetheless, for a moment, I think to myself that a life with Peeta, a life involving a little child, is all I could ever ask for. But right now, I need to focus on the Peeta part.

After quickly getting ready, I find myself in the hovercraft room. Dozens of state-of-the-art transportation vehicles are lined up across the room. I take a moment to be thankful that at least I'm on the inside- in the know. I was notified last night the exact details of tomorrow's rescue plan. They were taking Hovercraft #6.

I tried to be stealthy like Rue, but before I know it, a guard is walking toward me.

"Excuse me, miss, but these hovercrafts are for government personnel only." He says.

I do my best to smile though I'm disappointed I got caught. "I understand, but my name is Katniss Everdeen, and Mayor Mavrick gave me orders."

The guard looks hesitant, as if he's been specifically ordered not to let me on the hovercraft, but he lets me anyway. He tells stories about his wife who has hope because of me, his daughter who admires me, and his District who owes me. He closes with a quick, grateful hug and then walks off. I can tell that his lips are sealed.

I quickly walk into the hovercraft. There aren't many hiding places, but I quickly take refuge in the small escape pod that people ordinarily don't go into. Before I know it, I can hear Haymitch's voice. He's inside the hovercraft.

"Are you sure Katniss was sleeping?" he questions Finnick. Haymitch is wise in an odd way. He's smart enough to be suspicious at least.

I think Finnick nodded, but I can't be sure without giving myself away.

"Beetee, you take control of the flight." Haymitch orders. Beetee, who sounds healthy, quickly takes off and we're soon flying out of District 13.

I'm ready for a long flight, prepared to search for any sign of Peeta from above. Until I feel a strange sensation in the pit of my stomach. I know this feeling. It always starts like this when I'm about to throw up- morning sickness, but in this small pod, I don't have anywhere to puke. I feel horrible, and I don't want to get caught, but I have to do something. So I open the small window that leads to the sky and use it as a trashcan. It's odd to see your breakfast fly through the sky. I'm almost sure no one heard me (or saw the barf) when I hear Haymitch guffaw, then he demands that Beetee enters command #2485 in the system. I'm not sure what it means until I see Haymitch's face broadcasted across the screen of the escape pod.

"Hello, sweetheart." I frown; it's almost as if he expected to see me.

I can't think of anything to say, so I reply, "Hello, Haymitch."

"Plan didn't work so well, did it." He says simply. The words are meant for a question, but it's more of a statement of the obvious. "Now what's to keep me from clicking this button here." I can't see the button, but I imagine it's big and red. "And watching you jet back to District 13 where you are supposed to be."

I sigh. My plan has gone down the drain. Ordinarily I would be angry with Haymitch, but I just feel tired. "Haymitch, you know that this mission won't be a problem for me. Peeta means more than the world to me, and I'm perfectly fit."

Haymitch laughs because we both know that that last statement is untrue.

"I'm weak for my normal standards, but I'm still strong. Haymitch, you need me." I amend.

I hear a beeping sound and I can tell that Haymitch has just pressed a button. I clutch the side of the pod and brace myself to blast off back to District 13, but instead the door connecting the pod and the hovercraft opens. I see a stubby hand reach down and I use it to hoist myself into the hovercraft.

"Thank you, Haymitch." He only nods and pretends that he never did the good deed.

Kendra, Gale, and Beetee don't seem surprised to see me. Kendra and Gale know me well enough to guess my plan, and Beetee is such an expert that he can sense everything going on in the hovercraft. He probably knew I was there the whole time. I send him a grateful smile because I know that's the case. That only leaves Mavrick's choice's reaction. The young woman gives a yelp of surprise and then rushes to me, embracing me.

Her name is Nina, and she is one of the most stunning people I have ever met. She has beautiful red hair and a sweet smile, her green eyes full of warmth. "Thank you for your sacrifices." She says softly. I assume she means the rebellion I accidentally caused, but I don't correct her.

At first, I couldn't see why Mavrick would pick her. She's kind and absolutely gorgeous, but she's also small and appears to be delicate. But I trust Mavrick, so I ignore the suspicious feeling in my gut.

"Back to stations." Haymitch yelps and points me to a window. "Watch for signs of attack."

Except, I don't see any signs of attack; the sky is completely clear. And that's what worries me. See, normally, the Capitol has dozens of hovercrafts in the air, watching over the Districts. Something drastic must have happened to have all of them pulled out of the air. When I mention this to Haymitch he just frowns and walks away.

"Haymitch, come here!" Nina says urgently, pointing at something. We all cluster around her trying to see what she's talking about. "Look at the cluster of hovercrafts right there." We all exchange looks of worry and return to our stations as Haymitch orders us to look for the cause of the cluster of hovercrafts.

It's Kendra who spots Peeta. He's only a small dot from up here, but his sandy hair is unmistakable in the green terrain. It alarms me that the hovercrafts are all chasing him.

"Beetee, bring the hovercraft near Peeta. Finnick, I need you to somehow reach Peeta once we get down there. We'll send a ladder to pull you both up." Finnick nods, but I am restless.

"What do you want us to do?" I ask anxiously.

Haymitch ignores me (of course) and continues to boss everyone around. Meanwhile, Kendra, Nina, and I try to stay out of the way. As much as I know that they are perfectly capable of rescuing Peeta while I wait in the hovercraft, a part of me needs to wrap my arms around Peeta, needs to kiss him, needs to hold his hands and know that he is really here. So for some reason, I don't just sit around and watch from above. I grab a parachute and follow Finnick. Before Haymitch can stop me, I jump.

The world looks strange when you're falling. For a moment, I feel like I'm about to die, so after several seconds, I pull the strap that opens my parachute, and soon I am drifting to the ground.

"Katniss!" Finnick cries, as he lands on the ground. I can't exactly name his emotion (anger, shock?), but my guess is that he is surprised to see me. Seeing as I pulled my parachute earlier than he did, my landing takes a bit more time. In fact, as I reach the ground, Finnick has already ushered Peeta over and is telling him something (my guess would be the plan).

As Finnick's story ends, Peeta's smile fades. By the time I'm about to land, he looks as if he's in pain. "Katniss!" He yells, running toward me. Finnick follows him trying to stop him from getting in the way, but it's no use, Peeta is already ahead. And then I land.

Landing is not like it seems. A parachute is used in order to soften the impact of hitting the ground, so you would think that landing is easy. But it's not. As I hit the ground, the ground I am unprepared to meet, my knees weaken. I immediately fall, unable to stand up. The pain in my legs is terrifying. I can't handle it. I can't walk, much less climb up a ladder.

Peeta scoops me up in his arms, and I can feel his struggle. His pain. Normally, it wouldn't be hard for Peeta to pick me up, but his time spent in the Capitol has weakened him. Finnick taps his shoulder and takes me into his arms. Peeta needs to focus on climbing now. The enemy hovercrafts are almost upon us. Peeta and Finnick begin to climb the ladder that Haymitch dropped while I was landing. I can see Kendra and Nina struggling to pull us up.

At the last moment (we're so close to being safe), an enemy hovercraft shoots out a laser of some sort. I've never seen a weapon like it. It's as sharp as a knife and as fast as a cheetah. It is sure to cut the ladder and lead to our sudden death, but just as it is about to cut the fragile rope, Nina jumps.

Now I understand why Mavrick picked Nina. She is brave beyond belief and an expert at weapons. This type of gun she is familiar with because it was the gun the Capitol used to murder her twin brother (as I later learned). As I watched Nina fall from the hovercraft, I felt a sob echo in my chest. I was crying. Finnick, so strong and kind, wanted to comfort me, I could tell, but he was busy trying to hold onto me and climb at the same time. Peeta was just below us, still unaware of what had happened. As the laser pierces Nina's heart, I burst into tears.

I've seen people die before. I've killed people before. But only once before, in my entire life, have I seen someone so selfless. That day, I watched a young, beautiful, kind girl end her life- willingly. Nina didn't commit suicide. She didn't choose to die because she just wanted to. She died for something she believed in- someone she believed in. She died for me.

In that horrific moment, I remembered Mags and the way she so selflessly walked into the poisonous gas during the Hunger Games. That's when I really start to sob. When I look at Finnick's determined eyes, I realize that he too has tears in his eyes, and I know that he is thinking about Mags. I am sick of it. I am sick of the dying and the loss. I am sick of people laying down their lives for the rebellion. I just want it to end.

We eventually reach the hovercraft, and Kendra helps us in. Beetee is already jetting back to District 13 when we shut the door. Finnick gently places me on one of the seats and sits down next to me. Peeta takes the other side.

"What were you thinking?" Haymitch growls, clearly glaring at me.

Peeta pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around me. It feels so good to be with him again, to have his support. Kendra frowns, trying to treat all of us as best as she can under circumstances. I only look at Haymitch, trying to tell him with my expression. I can't explain the desperation I felt, being unable to help. I can't use words like Peeta can. So, I show him with the pain in my eyes exactly what I was thinking.

Haymitch only frowns. "If you hadn't jumped, sweetheart, Nina might not have had to die to protect you."

That does it. I can't handle his disappointment in me. Obviously jumping from the hovercraft was not the smartest decision I ever made, but I had to do it. I can't find the words to explain why, but my heart was aching for Peeta and it was necessary. I immediately burst into tears, burying my face in Peeta's shirt. Being so close to him soothes me, but I can't help but hate myself. I've killed before, but it was necessary at the time. This wasn't. I feel as if I've killed Nina personally.

That's when Peeta stands up. He gently positions me in my own chair as Kendra begins to check my knees, and frowns at Haymitch. "What is wrong with you?" There is such anger to his voice that I am, for a moment, afraid for Haymitch. "What about her is so despicable that you stoop so low as to make a pregnant woman cry? Nina's death was not her fault. She was trying to protect us all. Maybe _you_ should have had a better plan," Peeta yells.

Haymitch grunts in response.

Peeta glares at him. "I don't care how much you helped us in the Hunger Games. I don't care how important you are to the rebellion. You. Will. Not. Hurt. Katniss." His words are sent with such force that it has more impact than any physical blow. Then Peeta sits back down and gently plants a kiss on my forehead. Haymitch, in all his anger, steps into the bathroom and doesn't come out. Kendra, after a thorough inspection of my knees, declares it impossible to work without the necessary equipment and steps into the escape pod to take a nap. Beetee, in his silence, is unnoticeable. He only continues to pilot the hovercraft. We are right over District 13, about to land. Finnick has already joined Kendra to ask her about a cut on his arm. They leave Peeta and me alone.

"I've missed you, husband." I say, wishing I could say more. With the simple addition of husband, Peeta's face lights up as if remembering that we are wed.

Peeta grins. "I've missed you too, wife." And then he kisses me. The kind of kiss that makes me want more. It's the kind of kiss that makes everything okay. The kiss that makes me forget that I killed Nina.

"Peeta, I want you to know that I've thought about you while you've been gone. I've thought about Gale too." Peeta's smile immediately dims as if thinking that my previous comment was fake love. "And I wanted to let you know that no matter what happens, I love you and only you."

Peeta's face lights up and he immediately scoops me into another kiss. I want to stay in his arms forever. "I love you too."

And then I remember that I haven't told him yet. That even though we had hoped and we had guessed, he didn't know yet.

I gaze up into his loving blue eyes and whisper into his ear, "Peeta, I'm pregnant."

And right when our hovercraft is about to land, our engines fail.


	3. Forgiveness

Beetee is dead. Or lost. One of the two. After examining the wreckage caused when the hovercraft exploded, no one could find him, so we've stopped trying. At least twelve District 13 citizens were injured when the hovercraft exploded as it crashed into the park. Finnick is in the hospital. Kendra decided it was best to induce a coma to give him time to heal; she's been so busy taking care of the injured when she just barely survived herself. Haymitch spends all of his time with Mavrick trying to plan our next move. Peeta grabbed a parachute at the last moment and jumped with me in his arms. We landed; we were spared. We could have died that day, but we didn't. And surprisingly, for once in our lives, Peeta and I, we feel normal.

Nina is dead. Beetee is lost. Johanna and Enobaria are still imprisoned somewhere. And yet for the first time in weeks, Peeta and I, we are blissfully happy. Peeta's family didn't survive the bombing of District 12, so he stays with my family. My mother and Prim leave us alone. We've just found a home only five minutes away from my family, and we're getting ready to move in. We're like newlyweds. Peeta and I, we just discovered each other.

"Katniss, do you want a boy or a girl?" Peeta and I are lying on the bed together. I'm wrapped in his arms, and his hand is resting tenderly on my small baby bump. I'm around 2 months now, and Peeta is absolutely thrilled about my pregnancy.

I frown. I haven't quite thought about this yet. A boy would be wonderful. I imagine my wonderful husband and I chasing a mini Peeta around the house, playing games with him. I think of a beautiful baby blue nursery. But then I imagine a little girl, a little girl with Peeta's stunning blue eyes and sandy hair, a girl with Prim's delicate nature and Peeta's passion. I imagine precious honey-colored ringlets and adorable pink baby clothes.

"I don't know." I answer honestly. "What about you, Peeta?"

Peeta smiles and looks at my shyly, in that sweet unassuming way of his. "I want a girl."

I laugh and kiss his cheek softly. "Why a girl?" I whisper into his ear.

Peeta rubs my stomach gently. No, 'rubs' doesn't sound right. Rubs sounds like a word you'd use to describe putting on sun block. The happiness I feel when he places his strong hands on my stomach is indescribable. It reminds me that Peeta is going to be the family man. He's here for me, for the baby. He grins. "I can't stop thinking about a little girl with a long braid and stunning gray eyes."

We're about to kiss when there's a soft knock on the door. We both look up when Gale walks in with Mavrick and Haymitch. Peeta and I immediately stand up. The way we were intertwined before, we both know it's a punch in the gut for Gale, Gale who has helped me so much since our arrival in District 13.

Gale can't look me in the eye. Ever since Peeta's come back, he steers clear of us. He can't handle the happiness, so he avoids it. Peeta and I, we're comfortable showing our love to the world. We've always had a very open and public relationship, but something about pushing Gale down when he's already on the floor doesn't seem right.

"I tried to convince them, Katniss." He says coldly, then storms out of the room.

Haymitch clears his throat and ignores Gale. "Mavrick and I decided that it would be a good idea to have a public wedding for you two."

I frown, taking Peeta's hand in my own. "Why would we do that? We're already married." A couple days after the hovercraft exploded, Peeta and I toasted the bread ourselves, and just as Peeta said on the interview, we're more married than any party or piece of paper could make us. Peeta nods in agreement. Ever since he returned, we're more one person than two.

"Katniss, Peeta, this wedding isn't for you." Mavrick says. "I mean it is, but we want to do this for the people. We're losing our drive, our will. The council thinks that by showing that joy and love can still prevail during these troubling times it will help the rebellion."

And then I understand. It's not a wedding for Peeta and me; it's a wedding for the leaders of the rebellion, for the star-crossed lovers, for the two victors who brought hope into the Districts. And even though I still feel it's slightly unnecessary, I agree to it, as does Peeta. Haymitch and Mavrick soon leave, telling us that a wedding coordinator will be meeting with us around 4:00.

Peeta and I assume our previous position on the bed, and I can't help but stare at him, his reassuring smile, his kind eyes, his golden eyelashes.

"What is it?" He asks, tying knots with my hair.

I smile. "I want to be annoyed with the wedding, but a part of me is glad to publicly announce that I get to keep you forever."

That's enough of an explanation for Peeta. He simply kisses me and kisses me and kisses me. Until I need to find a trashcan. After I puke my guts out and brush my teeth, Peeta tucks me into bed and goes to the kitchen to bake bread. It's calming for him.

While he's gone, I don't actually take a nap because I can't help but think about how lucky I am. It's odd to feel so terrible (I'm nauseous most of the time) and be so happy at the same time. Peeta is mine. He's mine. Peeta Mellark is _mine_. Forever. And then I fall asleep, and for the first time in weeks I am able to dream. I dream of love and family and eternity in Peeta's arms.

Several hours later, Peeta comes up with a loaf of fresh bread and a woman by the name of Lydia. He gently wakes me, and hands me a piece of bread. I can tell that my lack of weight scares him, so I eat it. It's for the baby I remind myself. For the baby.

Lydia is a petite woman who gets straight down to business with questions, questions, and more questions.

"Color themes?"

Peeta answers that one, "Traditional white and black with touches of green." I smile because it's sweet that he remembers my favorite color, but I don't want green.

"I'd prefer orange." I say to Lydia. "It's the color of fire and warmth and of Peeta." Although Peeta clearly wants the wedding to be all about me, I can see that I have won when he doesn't object.

"Flowers?" Lydia asks.

"Orange lilies." Peeta answers, "and some orange primrose." I nod in agreement.

Lydia goes on and on about the arrangements she plans to make and asks us an entire list of questions until she finally prepares to leave. "The wedding is going to be in a month," she says, "So we need to hurry up with these plans. Let's meet tomorrow at nine tomorrow morning for dress shopping." Then she leaves, and I have Peeta all to myself.

"Too bad we'll have to skip our morning walk tomorrow." Peeta declares with a smile on his face, winking at me. Of course, we both know that Peeta would never wake up that early if it weren't for me, and he is clearly happy about skipping tomorrow. Kendra told me at my last appointment that it would be good for me to exercise a bit more, not intensely, but just calm exercise to keep up my health. Peeta, being the supportive husband, decided that we would take walks every day together to get to know each other (as well as the city) a bit more. We would have planned them in the evenings except Peeta has meetings with the Council then, and that's when we're normally busiest. So 9'oclock it was.

I grin. "I suppose we'll just go as soon as we're done with shopping, but you do realize, Peeta, that you won't be going shopping with us tomorrow." Peeta frowns; we've been practically inseparable since his return.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

I laugh at his expression and kiss him on the cheek. "The groom doesn't see the dress until the wedding day, silly." Then I remind him we have dinner with Prim and my mother in a minute, and we both head downstairs.

"You two look pleased." Prim says giggling. Ever since she turned thirteen, she's been acting like a romantic, imagining what Peeta and I do in our spare time. I suppose the quick toasting and the fact that Peeta and I are expecting the baby so soon after our marriage have got her acting all lovey-dovey, but her simple phrases like "you two look pleased" make me laugh with their double meanings.

Peeta grins. Like everyone else, Peeta adores Prim in a brotherly manner. It's actually quite sweet. "I _am_ pleased." Peeta says, gazing at me. "Katniss and I are in the middle of planning our public wedding."

My mother, who has just put the food on the table, gives a yelp of surprise and then blushes. "Really? Oh Katniss, Peeta, I'm so glad for you." She says sincerely.

"Would you like to go wedding dress shopping with me and the wedding planner?" I find myself asking my mother, my mother who I have never had a good relationship with, my mother who left my sister and me to die after my father passed away. But now that I know how it feels to lose hope, how it feels to lose someone you love, I understand her. I accept her. I am ready to move on and give my mother love.

My mother smiles shyly; I can tell that my invitation has pleased her. "Are you sure you're okay that I go? I want to, but I want to make sure you're happy, Katniss." She says.

I shrug. "I want you to go. Prim is going, and the wedding planner, Lydia, will be there too."

"Alright then." My mother says. Even though she's acting as if it's not a big deal, I can tell that she's happy- happy to begin a relationship with me. All throughout the dinner, she shoots me timid smiles. I'm glad that I've finally forgiven her, but something about my mother still angers me. I just tell myself that we need time.

After dinner, Peeta and I go upstairs leaving my mother and Prim to do the dishes. I'm exhausted; it's been a long day. Peeta and I immediately get into bed and bid each other good night.

When I wake up, Peeta is staring at me. No, actually I wouldn't describe it as staring. 'Staring' is a blank, rude, unemotional, judgmental look that the schoolgirls used to send to me. What Peeta is doing is entirely different. He is _gazing_ at me. The love, the sacrifice, the wonder, the passion, the hope, the forgiveness- it's all there.

I smile at him, and he kisses my hair. "Are you ready for today?" He asks me.

"No." I say with a laugh. "Something tells me that this search for the perfect dress is going to take a while." I pause for a second and then turn my gaze to him. "Are _you_ ready for today?"

He thinks for a second and then frowns. "No. I don't know what I'm going to do without you for an entire day." I kiss him and start to get ready for the day, but it's useless. I look terrible. I'm still tired, and, though I haven't thrown up yet this morning, I can tell today's going to be messy. I'm irritable, and I look like I haven't slept all night. Nonetheless, Peeta tells me that I'm beautiful and sends me off with Prim, Lydia, and my mother. I love him.

"We're hitting the mall first." Lydia states and points to the tall building across the street. As we walk over to the bridal boutique Lydia goes on and on about what a pain it will be trying to find a dress that will fit me in one month.

Prim gasps at nearly every dress. They're all so fairy tale to her. My mother has more of a picky eye and grabs several dresses, but I just stare. Lydia has gone to talk to the sales lady about what size I'll probably be in one month when the wedding will actually be taking place. And then of course, there's the moment when I see the dress.

It's so beautiful, so perfect, so stunning. And I know, without trying it on, without looking at any other dresses, that this is meant to be mine. It's almost like the sun is shining on it and the choir is singing hallelujah. The small pearls sewed into the dress remind me of Cinna, Cinna who means so much to me and gave his life to stand up for me. The long train reminds me of the picture my mother kept near her bed of her and my father at their wedding day. The innocent neckline makes me think of Prim and her sweetness. I just love it. It is everything I stand for. Innocence, Love, Courage.

"What about this one?" I ask. Prim, Lydia, my mother, and the saleswoman come over.

"Oh, Katniss, it's perfect!" Prim cries, giving me a congratulatory hug for finding the most wonderful dress.

Lydia checks the size range and then gives a smile. "You will look wonderful in it, Katniss, and the size range will fit you in a month according to the saleswoman. You ought to try it on."

My mother looks at the train, and I know that she is thinking about her wedding day. "Try it on." She says, encouraging me as best as she can when she's blinking tears away from her eyes. Of course, I try it on, and everyone loves it. Lydia encourages me to try on more dresses before we make our final pick, but I refuse. I'm stubborn, and I know that no matter how gorgeous the other gowns are this is mine. Prim is so helpful picking out veils and shoes and accessories that she thinks I would like. Before the afternoon ends, we have most of my wedding outfit picked out. I'm happy, but I'm not.

My mother stays quiet and offers no emotion for the rest of the time. She's withdrawing again. She's thinking about my father and leaving behind the rest of the world. I feel the anger rushing back. I think back to the time when I was Prim's only hope of survival, when my mother left us to die.

I glare at her and feel so irrationally angry. I know that my hormones have intensified my anger, but I don't care. I want to be angry. I want to throw a fit. "What do you think?" I ask her coldly.

It takes her a moment to respond and then she only looks at me with a lost expression. "Nice." She says simply, clearly holding back. And that's when I lose it; I storm out of the store- dress and all. I just can't look at that woman. I honestly thought that I forgave her, but clearly I haven't. I sit down on one of the benches in the square and burst into tears. I don't know how to handle all of the emotion I'm feeling.

I hear the click clacking of heels on pavement. Lydia is here. She sits down next to me and in her eyes I don't see sympathy or pity, I see understanding and empathy.

"I don't know what problems you have with your mother. I'm not going to pretend that I know what you're going through, but I want to tell you something," Lydia says. I can hear the pain in her voice. "My mother and father got divorced when I was fourteen. I hated her for leaving my father and me so easily. I couldn't stand hearing her name. One day, ten years later, she found me. She came to me. She apologized, and she told me that she loved me and that she wanted to be a part of my life. I ignored her and walked away. She died that day in a car accident. I'm twenty-eight now, Katniss. It's been four years, and I can't get the image of her dying on the street out of my head. It's taken me four years to realize that I'm not mad at her, at my mother. I'm mad at myself. I blame myself for her leaving my father and me, for not being worth the stay. My boyfriend wants to marry me, Katniss, but every time he asks I tell him that I need time. My refusal to forgive her, to forgive myself, has destroyed me. I've forgotten how to love, and I don't want you to be like me when you're twenty-eight. I don't want your heart to grow cold. It's not your fault that you're mother withdrew from your family. She was hurt. You couldn't have done anything to help her. You couldn't have brought her back. You _are_ worth the stay. Forgive yourself, Katniss." Lydia wipes away the tears from her cheeks. She gives me a sad smile and walks off, leaving me to think.

I blink my last tears away, feeling free for the first time in a while. There is something about a good cry that lifts a burden from your heart. I have always thought that I was never good enough to bring her back into the present. I was never enough for my mother to want to be a part of the family. It was never her. It was me.

And through the tears and the painful realization comes peace- forgiveness.

**Sorry, you guys, about the typos. I've just read through my previous chapter and I've noticed some errors (I'm sure there are some in this chapter too). Also, thanks for the reviews and story alerts and stuff!**

**I'll upload again as soon as possible!**

**~S**


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